First Birthday Eve

It's the night before the babies birthday and I'm feeling a little emotional. I thought it might be best to get it out now rather than spend tomorrow weepy. We had a whole plan for tomorrow with a visit to Graves Park farm and lots of visitors. Thanks to the snow it looks like it might just be the Cunnington Five.

A year ago today I was waiting for my c-section and was trying to go to sleep, knowing what was to come the next day. I was scared and the only way to calm myself down was to tell myself to think further ahead. Further ahead than the next day at least.

I had a vision of myself and Matt holding hands walking down a beach towards the sea - and in front of us three children toddled towards the water.

This seemed so far away at 29 weeks pregnant, knowing my babies would be born so premature. Now they are a year old this seems more possible. We're off to Bridlington in July so maybe this will come true this year.

I did manage to sleep and I dreamt that my father, everyone from my family who had died, and everyone from Matt's family too were there. They said that they all would look after the babies and help them to be born safely.

By morning I felt quite confident. My two dreams had left me sure the babies would be ok.

The day itself was a bizarre experience with a c-section at the start and morphine and a baby viewing at its end.

By the end of the day I was both overjoyed and exhausted. Both were to continue throughout the year!

Charlie
My firstborn and my littlest at 2 pound 1. I still worry about you the most even though I do not need to anymore. You spent your first few weeks ricocheting between intensive care and special care - one minute ok the next yet another 'infection.' Many days I went to sleep sure they would ring me saying you had taken a turn for the worst but that never happened.

Now you are my smiley love baby. You are filled with joy by everything - shadows, music, birds flying, kisses. I can see your brain taking everything in and processing it. I watch you watching the world and wish I had the same viewpoint.

Lex
At 2 pound 6 you were the one I worried about the least. You were my big bruiser and you still are! No-one seemed concerned about you. You grew well and smiled at all the nurses before you were even due to be born!

Now you are my juggernaut - rolling across the floor regardless of what or who is in your way. You also smile at everyone, filled with the sheer joy of life. You are the tickliest, most smiley boy enjoying the sheer physical fun of being alive. I envy that.

Beth
Even at birth you astounded everyone. Despite being only 2 pound 3 you were off the ventilator quickest and then home quickest too. The nurses said girls were stronger and you proved this statement.

Now you are my temperamental beauty; your huge eyes bewitching all. Charming everyone who meets you, you are also the hardest to drag a smile from. You push me aside as soon as daddy is home but when he is not around you cry when I leave the room. You can clap and go 'twinkle' with your hands. You blow raspberries, giggle and growl- my gorgeous daughter.

Just writing this helps me see what I have known all along - that these three wonderful people just happen to be born at the same time. Yes they resemble each other physically but in personality each is as distinct as anyone else.

It also helps me see what an honour it is to be mummy to such miracles. It's been the most wonderful, exhausting, lovely, lonely, joyful, stressful, exciting, challenging, awesome year.

Never for one second have I regretted that my beautiful babies were born, or that they were born together.

Often I have felt honoured that I got to be their mummy. I have spent a lot of time working out the sheer logistics of having three babies but I have spent a similar amount of time just glorying in the fact I am so blessed.

Often I look at you three looking at the world and I see your curiosity and wonder - I am so excited that daddy and I get to introduce you to the world.

It's worth taking the time here to thank your daddy for being such an integral part of the baby loving team. Without him there would have been so many more tears.

Happy birthday babies. Mummy loves you so very, very much. After all the struggling Daddy and I went through to get you I find it hard to believe we were so blessed. We got the best and it was very much worth the wait.

And tomorrow I promise not to cry...much!